Letter for HanMan

4-10-11
Dear HanMan,
Today has been the hardest day yet since becoming a mommy of two little boys. I always wondered how I could love another child as much as I loved you and people reassured me that I would. They were right, my love only multiplied. I love you and Eli so much and each of you has a special place in my heart. You will always be my first born-my HanMan. You mean the world to me. I love watching you love life and enjoy every moment - you constantly want us to "play with you". I thought the other day how I need to treasure those moments, because you won't always want us right there beside you as you build your "Harvey's" out of blocks or line up your cars for a race or corral your horses in the fence.

No one really prepared me for how to manage this multiplied love though. Today I felt so divided.
I don't know if you'll remember this day later, but maybe you'll better understand as you get older.
This morning you awoke with a fever and flushed cheeks and glassy eyes. After complaining of a headache, I gave you some Motrin and we were waiting for it to do its magic. Then the vomiting began. I always feel helpless when you are sick-even though I work daily at making people feel better--I really struggle when I can do nothing for those I love most.

Because brother is so little, we felt it would be best for you to stay with Sha for the day. She always made me feel better when I was sick as a little girl. I knew she'd take good care of my HanMan.

It broke my heart to send you away sick though. I knew you were crying for us and wanted to come home. I cried myself because I wanted to be the one to hold you close and wipe your tears and see you come around to yourself again. I love being your mommy and I always want to be there for you if I can. Other times, like today, I will have to do what I feel may be best for you and that may not be easy for either one of us. Thank you for once again being a wonderful big brother and helping us keep brother well.

I was so thankful to hear you are feeling better tonight--playing and chattering away. I look forward to seeing you and holding you soon.

I love you my sweet boy. You constantly tell me how "big" you are getting and yes, I can see it before my very eyes. I tease you and tell you I'm going to put a brick on your head! You say, "NO!" Then we call each other "silly willy" and laugh. You are constantly asking me questions these days about everything. I am trying to be patient and answer them the best I know how, but sometimes, even Mommy doesn't know all the answers. You will soon find that out if you haven't already!

I am so proud of you and love you more than you'll ever know or I'll ever be able to understand.

I'm praying for you and Elijah daily--to be men who love Jesus. I pray for myself that I'd be the mommy God called me to be and have His strength and peace daily for this incredible job and life long journey.
I thank God He gave us Daddy. Our fun-loving, sweet, tender-hearted and even-tempered Daddy.  He has had so much fun being your buddy and thinking of all the fun things you two could do together.  I pray you would grow up to be just like him.

And haven't you had the best time with Sha? I knew she'd nurse you back to health and love on you like only grandmas can.

I love you and see you soon, Mama