The Involuntary Reaction of a Father

I'm currently in my 19th day of some kind of discomforting, irritating, "I wish it was over" PAIN, having now spent almost the first half of my summer break trying to get into a comfortable position in what is usually a relaxing and broken-in recliner.

I had big plans for the summer. I was going to get to enjoy two whole weeks with my wife and new baby boy before she had to go back to work; lattes, a cooing baby, shopping (her personal favorite), reading, accompanied by late nights of which were to be followed by even longer lazy mornings of more lattes. However...my body had other ideas and so here I sit, at least upright, hunting and pecking with some still numb fingers, finding great comfort in a break from the only two types of commercials apparently allowed; local car lot idiots with cameras and Father's Day Furniture Sales Events. My gosh!!, those things alone will cause severe anxiety, nervous tension, and a great desire to get up and do something.

So, I decided to give Lela's blog a try, to express to the world my thoughts on all this, or at least a part of it. To continue: I have missed 19 days of sunshine, a cookout or two, some fishing, an early summer beach dash, the ability to hold my child, no driving, and of course, the birth of Grayson. I could definitely do, and when you ask Lela I have done, some good pouting, whining, and complaining, even managing to shed a tear or two along the way for good measure.

But, regardless, somehow, in the process of it all, I've learned something. That no matter how bad I feel, frustrated I get, mad I am at my predicament, or anything else...when Hannan smiles at me, I laugh! That simple. It's involuntary and uncontrollable. When that little guy lifts the corners of those thin little lips I gave him and begins to stretch them into the upper parts of those thick little cheeks that I also gave him, I can't help but smile the biggest smile and laugh.

It is cute but I've learned it goes much deeper than that, the smile and laugh feelings. It goes down deep into a heart that is starting to understand an unconditional type of agape love. The feelings part of the heart, the part that is there but no medical machine in the world can see or measure. The type your parents always said they had... "One day when you have kids...you'll see...". I've discovered that no matter my life circumstances, condition, shape, or feelings, when that little child smiles, everything is better, at least for an instant, everything is good!

It's kinda like you need to have a kid to see how God himself really feels about me, about us. It truly is incredible, unfathomable, and real. So, even though I've missed alot and this has become known as the summer of surgery, I've also gained alot. The unconditional love for a child and appreciation for Fatherhood, spiritually and physically. No matter the bad days of life ahead, or struggle to get back to that old recliner, whichever, getting back to that smile will make it all better. It's an involuntary reaction of the heart and I have so enjoyed the discovery. Happy Father's Day, Dad - Hannan.

--Jay